I am sure there are hundreds of women who can relate with what I feel & the kind of feelings I am going through...after procrastinating the thought for a long time as I know that there must be thousands of blogs on the same line of thought...still I feel I should now go ahead & for nobody else's but my own satisfaction pour my heart out.
Well..soon I will reach a new pedestal of life where just because of the time passing by the way of looking at everything will change...also to tell the fact its not that I am getting married & thats why I feel the things will change around me.. may be I will growing old,may be I am growing better, may be I am growing fat, may be I am growing young or May be I am just growing wiser...
Usually when you are a kid you plan things for your future... what you want to do, where all you want to go? what kind of person you want to marry? how would your house look like...so on & so forth..
These days I have found myself questioning this quiet a few times ...Am I where I had thought myself to be? Am I doing what I had always planned to do when I am 25?? & to my disappointment I get a very confused reply..
But if I look back & think about it, I am an independent woman, doing what I wanted to do, I share an apartment with a very special friend of mine with whom I can share almost whatever I want to & can count upon her...I have my own kitchen where I have all the things which makes me happy(emphasizing on the kitchen bit as cooking is a kind of stress buster for me),I keep changing the earthy, pretty, simple handy interiors of my living room, I own my T.V.(which have been my one of the best companions always)..recently got an expected performance appraisal..I shop as much I want to & whenever I want to..
then why am I confused??? why cant I say I am happy.. why is this so difficult just to use the word I am happy...
I have been thinking on this for quiet some time now..& now I feel that may be with growing old & better your expectations from life take a leap & reaches to a corner where you are surrounded by so many external phenomena like your parents forcing you to get married..your relatives shooting cliched questions to your folks which in turn forces your folks to force you..your close friends getting married happily ever after...and yes of course friends giving birth to angels & demons?
While writing this blog even I am getting a clear picture & the clouds which have been surrounding me is getting clear. I know I am independent & with God's grace will get more freedom of thoughts financially & emotionally..but I have reached that time of my life when I know I am not old enough to be OLD but yes this is the phase of life when the societal pressures & things happening around you plays an important role in the way you think about your AGE.
People around me tell me that it is all about the way you think...I smile but I am not really convinced, I know I progressing in my life & ofcourse this is better way of telling that yes I am getting older & wiser!
Not so now we are spoiled by choice with a plethora of products to defy ageing. We can still look younger as we grow older. Availability, affordability and awareness have together contributed to the boom in cosmetics and cosmetology. The audio visual medium is ceaselessly bombarding the discerning consumer to make informal choice with sheer range of products benefiting the producer, retailer and consumer.Not that I am an aware woman & hence I dont indulge in such temptations? yes I do & to conclude I would say to make yourself feel good about getting OLD & yes WISER(with a wink) an anti ageing cosmetic is the remedy, it gives you a new zeal & enthusiasm to move on.Presently, masking the ageing process is very simple. The solutions are ‘dime a dozen’. Grey hair? No worry! You can color it natural black and get the youthful look. Receding hair line? No Problem! You can always weave the hair on the bald plate. If contact lenses have replaced bold spectacles, micro hearing aid is the answer to the bulky external projection. You have botox therapy to remove the wrinkles and the surgery to mop up the excess fat at the unwanted position of the anatomy. Precisely why, even grandmas’ look like aunties and the aunties’ much younger. The uncles are no exception. ‘Sauce for the goose, should be to the gander too!’ What began as fair and lovely for women, is now fair and handsome for men!!
Whatever you use Fair & lovely or Fair & handsome few dont's when this feeling of getting wiser, here it goes :
1. Never ever go to the places where you used to go when you were in college
2. Never go through the pictures thinking they are sweet memories
3. Never try flirting with any damn guy on whom you even have the slightest of doubts that he might be younger...for sure that guy is younger than you
4. Never compare yourself with your married friends(to all my married friends I love you guys)
the list will go on if only I dont stop writing...
Yes I have grown better & wiser ;)
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Sunday, June 6, 2010
The day I turned a lot bigger!!!
I know I am a big girl now.I guess the day I was born...I became a big girl. That is not at all funny all my readers..I feel I will die like this being 'big'!! Thats what I dreamt last night...I am on my death bed & I am a big huge lump...I hope by now my readers know by being 'BIG' what I mean.. though I know its nothing but self pity!!
Few days back was the day when I had once upon a time got the exposure of this world's sunshine. My eldest sister tells me when my mom got back to home with me in her hand wrapped in towel from the hospital...she tried to peep & was very disappointed to look at a baby with freckles all over her face & dirty looking black thing( at that age also she was a racist), I feel she envied me at that time because being the youngest daughter of the family & also being the daughter of the youngest son of the family all the attention suddenly was on me.Apparently till date she tells me that she hated me & never came close to me after peeping on the first day.Though the feeling is still the same.
Days passed by & years turned over, I have never ever failed to embarass my mom doing the most unimagnable thing under the sun..still I wish I could do the samer with my dad. I got the most pampering from my paternal grandma & maternal grandpa. I know what a combination..was unfortunate enough to not get the same from the other two counterparts as they decided to leave the world before the Big girl entered.
Slowly & steadily I grew old older & I feel now the oldest...my folks did not let me justify getting old ever....every year on my birthday I felt that I look older that what I am supposed to look at the age of 15 years & so on...& then started the time when people around me would ask me in which standard I am & then they were disappointed to hear that I was in 8th standard & not in 10th...because I always looked bigger!!!
Inspite of I being a very notorious child my mom was very happy with me as I have never thrown any kind of tantrums related to my eating habits...I have heard this from my mom so many times ...she would tell my aunts or somebody else..this one quality my daughter has & I am proud of that...She just needs a "tablespoon" full of butter, a "plate full" of rice, & just a poch of "two eggs"...this is a complete meal for her & even if I repeat this every other day..she would never have any problems..
One more thing which I have always heard from my relatives & family friends telling my mom ... Didi dont worry at all its all baby fat...a little older & she will loose all this automatically...well that unfortunate day never happened till now..baby fat remained the same...though the baby grew into a lady!!!
At time when I am frustrated just because I cannot wear a bikini at the beach or cant wear a sexy halter blouse with that sexy saree I have...& when I realise my dream of looking like Shilpa Shetty would never ever turn into reality...I wish at such situations why cant I get some severe disease like jaundice or dengue or something which will make me loose weight automatically & my baby fat would vanish....
Then another day I feel whatever it is...I know I AM BIG so what ..but I know I AM PRETTY...I wink at myself & decide to go out partying & have as many shots of vodka I want to have & as many chocolate truffles I can have.
However this year I realised how BIG I have become suddenly after the day when I came in this world...24..yes that is the number..how numbers make such a huge difference..me being a marketing professional, I understand the value of numbers. These are the targets allocated to all..achieving the target on a monthly basis would earn me a lot of perks...but reaching this particular number of life would suddenly change my mom's way of looking at me...I was clueless about this.
From that very day she wants to create a matrimonial profile for me...she thinks & discusses it with my aunt that other than being 'healthy' I am kind of perfect eligible spinster, she wants me be more open minded in case any proposal comes across me any day..
The whole idea behind writing this blog is to convey my dearest adorable mom...that mom with age if you are the same Mommaaa for me...why am I not the same girl for you???? I am the same BIG girl wrapped in baby fat!dont worry Mom its just baby fat...
Ya with achieving this particular number in life I have dreamt a lot..huge number of dreams...want to earn like a maniac without any obstacles & with your support through out...want to cruise the world with you ...want to own a house for us...want to serve the society...want to dream more & more..want to live,breath,eat a perfect life....want to be around the people who love me...want to celebrate life in each day... Mom I owe you what I am today..let me reach another level only with your support..have loved each moment of BIGGINESS till now...let me love the rest & let me be you girl always & let me be a little more Bigger!!!
Few days back was the day when I had once upon a time got the exposure of this world's sunshine. My eldest sister tells me when my mom got back to home with me in her hand wrapped in towel from the hospital...she tried to peep & was very disappointed to look at a baby with freckles all over her face & dirty looking black thing( at that age also she was a racist), I feel she envied me at that time because being the youngest daughter of the family & also being the daughter of the youngest son of the family all the attention suddenly was on me.Apparently till date she tells me that she hated me & never came close to me after peeping on the first day.Though the feeling is still the same.
Days passed by & years turned over, I have never ever failed to embarass my mom doing the most unimagnable thing under the sun..still I wish I could do the samer with my dad. I got the most pampering from my paternal grandma & maternal grandpa. I know what a combination..was unfortunate enough to not get the same from the other two counterparts as they decided to leave the world before the Big girl entered.
Slowly & steadily I grew old older & I feel now the oldest...my folks did not let me justify getting old ever....every year on my birthday I felt that I look older that what I am supposed to look at the age of 15 years & so on...& then started the time when people around me would ask me in which standard I am & then they were disappointed to hear that I was in 8th standard & not in 10th...because I always looked bigger!!!
Inspite of I being a very notorious child my mom was very happy with me as I have never thrown any kind of tantrums related to my eating habits...I have heard this from my mom so many times ...she would tell my aunts or somebody else..this one quality my daughter has & I am proud of that...She just needs a "tablespoon" full of butter, a "plate full" of rice, & just a poch of "two eggs"...this is a complete meal for her & even if I repeat this every other day..she would never have any problems..
One more thing which I have always heard from my relatives & family friends telling my mom ... Didi dont worry at all its all baby fat...a little older & she will loose all this automatically...well that unfortunate day never happened till now..baby fat remained the same...though the baby grew into a lady!!!
At time when I am frustrated just because I cannot wear a bikini at the beach or cant wear a sexy halter blouse with that sexy saree I have...& when I realise my dream of looking like Shilpa Shetty would never ever turn into reality...I wish at such situations why cant I get some severe disease like jaundice or dengue or something which will make me loose weight automatically & my baby fat would vanish....
Then another day I feel whatever it is...I know I AM BIG so what ..but I know I AM PRETTY...I wink at myself & decide to go out partying & have as many shots of vodka I want to have & as many chocolate truffles I can have.
However this year I realised how BIG I have become suddenly after the day when I came in this world...24..yes that is the number..how numbers make such a huge difference..me being a marketing professional, I understand the value of numbers. These are the targets allocated to all..achieving the target on a monthly basis would earn me a lot of perks...but reaching this particular number of life would suddenly change my mom's way of looking at me...I was clueless about this.
From that very day she wants to create a matrimonial profile for me...she thinks & discusses it with my aunt that other than being 'healthy' I am kind of perfect eligible spinster, she wants me be more open minded in case any proposal comes across me any day..
The whole idea behind writing this blog is to convey my dearest adorable mom...that mom with age if you are the same Mommaaa for me...why am I not the same girl for you???? I am the same BIG girl wrapped in baby fat!dont worry Mom its just baby fat...
Ya with achieving this particular number in life I have dreamt a lot..huge number of dreams...want to earn like a maniac without any obstacles & with your support through out...want to cruise the world with you ...want to own a house for us...want to serve the society...want to dream more & more..want to live,breath,eat a perfect life....want to be around the people who love me...want to celebrate life in each day... Mom I owe you what I am today..let me reach another level only with your support..have loved each moment of BIGGINESS till now...let me love the rest & let me be you girl always & let me be a little more Bigger!!!
Saturday, May 22, 2010
was a long hiatus!!!
Well...last few days have been so pleasurable for me...remarkable memories for lifetime..got heat stroke...my tummy was in its own sweet trip & it accepted only the entry of some porridges & buttermilk...had some fights with my family....some of my plants dried as they were not feeded properly...my whole house was kind of upside down...my favourite place - my kitchen was full of pigeon's feathers(there is a couple residing just outside our kitchen's window..the irony is the window does not lock)...my wardrobe was totally messed...but but but I was in my perfect form.
By perfect form I mean ..after a number of sessions in the parlour & number of rounds to the boutique, I was all set ready for the long awaited wedding.A perfect Yashraj film's love story...n then this angelic inseperableness of two merry souls...for the first time in my life I witnessed a story which made me beleive number of philosophies of life..
If you have the perseverance to achieve anything under the sun...you are almost there..
When you face thousands of trouble on the way...it means you are actually approaching towards your goal..& it means your goal is worth it..
If you want to be successful in a relationship...its you who have to work on it...just cannot wait for your partner to do that.
Faith has to do with things that are not seen,& hope with things that are not in hand.
Why am I suddenly being so philosophical?? I know many would not agree with my views..but trust me ..after being part of this marraige ceremony, I do beleive that fairy tales exist & there are still noble souls in the world.
Fine...its time I should stop sharing my ideologies & should get to the point. Well the point is I was fortunate enough to be a part of this..on the one hand - pious & serene..on the other hand - enjoyable, entertaining(at every moment), lively celebration..celebration of togetherness.
Luckily it was an Indian ethnic "Punjabi" vs "Sikh" wedding..the groom being abroad returned punjabi 'munda' & the bride being a perfect Sikhni(except the fact she was not from Bhatinda).This was my first experience of attending a Punjabi wedding. Well the journey started from the ring ceremony till the reception.The season at this time is at its peak of sun. Still I dont think it affected the fun loving Punjabis even a little bit. From the clothes to the make up to the jewellery to the choice of food items, amount of booze, & finally the amount of crazy dancing - nothing could justify the boiling heat of the season.
I used to think this problem of speaking Bengali in a public place with your friend who is a bengali & assuming that everybody present there would understand is only with bengalis....well I was wrong..all the aunties would assume that I am a punjabi girl & would understand the language & then there is no turning back...they would crack jokes & expect me to giggle(typical girlie giggle), they would tell me stories about some other weddings & would expect me to react, they would ask me to do things like getting them cold drink , or water or may be a juice in hard core punjabi( what if I get them a glass of vodka???considering the fact they are cool as booze is being served openly & I have seen some females having it)but they would just not consider that I might not understand the language...well thats about the language barriers..now comes the hilarious part , all the aunties there are on bride hunt for there abroad settled handsome sons & they would discuss such a thing openly on my & my friend's face.They would just assume that we are all set & dying to marry there sons...Now comes the dancing ...aunties would kill you with there compliments & then they would drag you to the dance floor & they will dance with you ( I have a feeling that its because they themselves want to dance like crazy )...well they would always be overly dressed but trust me they have this quality of carrying extravagant outfits beautifully...well food is there second love after dance..it feels they beleive in eat, pray , love "khao pio aish karo mitro" which literally mean eat & drink like a crazy & lead a merry & luxurious life.
Saying all that about aunties I would say that I loved to be around them, learnt a lot from them how to move my fat belly with no rhythm & in any music..how to make use of all the available resources around you...how to check every girl & imagine her as your daughter in-law.. how to feel that every wedding ceremony is your own wedding(considering there enormous wardrobe)... In short I learnt how to live life in everyday & every ocassion...its like they celebrate life with every ceremony.
I guess I am getting distracted from the main topic...the protagonists are the bride & the groom..well the fact is there were actually so many colourful & lively things which kept distracting me from the hero & the heroine of the movie. This marraige is the result of years of hardwork.In our Indian society when two people decide to be together for the lifetime they need to ask for the permissions & approvals from the world.So the protagonists of my movie also had to do the same....they had undergone unimaginable stress & turmoil to reach this day..now with years of perseverance they came together finally with the world's approval. Talking about the hero of my movie ....have you seen in real life a groom performing on an item number in the 'Mehendi ceremony' of the bride??? I bet nobody would have witnessed that...this is the level of satisfaction, feeling of completeness the hero of my flick had..he performed for his bride....& wow what a memorable performance it was!!! Now the heroine is the strongest point of the story...she was the one who never had the attitude "Let it be"..ever if there was a problem which made the relationship a little weak ...she would work on it till the time everything was perfect & she again gained the confidence that YES I will marry him!!! I never heard a bride screaming loud in her wedding "I AM VERY HAPPY I AM GETTING MARRIED"
The day was perfect with sun over the head...a perfect sunshine...it was the day when they walked the aisle to be together forever & after.We could hear the wedding chime....It was like the best piece of music...the purest one. Now they are together for "ALWAYS"...
The series of ceremonies ended with the reception which ended with most beautiful performance I have ever seen in real life .....my movie has a very happy ending as I said a perfect Yashraj film " the couple dance crazily with all there heart & soul dancing all around to glory "
I feel genuinely clear in head about relationships which off lately was all messed up. Now its a sunny & merry sight for me all over again. I know fairy tales are real at times ..you just need to put your heart & soul into it & the almighty would shower His blessings.
All my heartiest Congratulations, goodluck to the newly, happily wed couple. Cheers to there togetherness everafter!!!
By perfect form I mean ..after a number of sessions in the parlour & number of rounds to the boutique, I was all set ready for the long awaited wedding.A perfect Yashraj film's love story...n then this angelic inseperableness of two merry souls...for the first time in my life I witnessed a story which made me beleive number of philosophies of life..
If you have the perseverance to achieve anything under the sun...you are almost there..
When you face thousands of trouble on the way...it means you are actually approaching towards your goal..& it means your goal is worth it..
If you want to be successful in a relationship...its you who have to work on it...just cannot wait for your partner to do that.
Faith has to do with things that are not seen,& hope with things that are not in hand.
Why am I suddenly being so philosophical?? I know many would not agree with my views..but trust me ..after being part of this marraige ceremony, I do beleive that fairy tales exist & there are still noble souls in the world.
Fine...its time I should stop sharing my ideologies & should get to the point. Well the point is I was fortunate enough to be a part of this..on the one hand - pious & serene..on the other hand - enjoyable, entertaining(at every moment), lively celebration..celebration of togetherness.
Luckily it was an Indian ethnic "Punjabi" vs "Sikh" wedding..the groom being abroad returned punjabi 'munda' & the bride being a perfect Sikhni(except the fact she was not from Bhatinda).This was my first experience of attending a Punjabi wedding. Well the journey started from the ring ceremony till the reception.The season at this time is at its peak of sun. Still I dont think it affected the fun loving Punjabis even a little bit. From the clothes to the make up to the jewellery to the choice of food items, amount of booze, & finally the amount of crazy dancing - nothing could justify the boiling heat of the season.
I used to think this problem of speaking Bengali in a public place with your friend who is a bengali & assuming that everybody present there would understand is only with bengalis....well I was wrong..all the aunties would assume that I am a punjabi girl & would understand the language & then there is no turning back...they would crack jokes & expect me to giggle(typical girlie giggle), they would tell me stories about some other weddings & would expect me to react, they would ask me to do things like getting them cold drink , or water or may be a juice in hard core punjabi( what if I get them a glass of vodka???considering the fact they are cool as booze is being served openly & I have seen some females having it)but they would just not consider that I might not understand the language...well thats about the language barriers..now comes the hilarious part , all the aunties there are on bride hunt for there abroad settled handsome sons & they would discuss such a thing openly on my & my friend's face.They would just assume that we are all set & dying to marry there sons...Now comes the dancing ...aunties would kill you with there compliments & then they would drag you to the dance floor & they will dance with you ( I have a feeling that its because they themselves want to dance like crazy )...well they would always be overly dressed but trust me they have this quality of carrying extravagant outfits beautifully...well food is there second love after dance..it feels they beleive in eat, pray , love "khao pio aish karo mitro" which literally mean eat & drink like a crazy & lead a merry & luxurious life.
Saying all that about aunties I would say that I loved to be around them, learnt a lot from them how to move my fat belly with no rhythm & in any music..how to make use of all the available resources around you...how to check every girl & imagine her as your daughter in-law.. how to feel that every wedding ceremony is your own wedding(considering there enormous wardrobe)... In short I learnt how to live life in everyday & every ocassion...its like they celebrate life with every ceremony.
I guess I am getting distracted from the main topic...the protagonists are the bride & the groom..well the fact is there were actually so many colourful & lively things which kept distracting me from the hero & the heroine of the movie. This marraige is the result of years of hardwork.In our Indian society when two people decide to be together for the lifetime they need to ask for the permissions & approvals from the world.So the protagonists of my movie also had to do the same....they had undergone unimaginable stress & turmoil to reach this day..now with years of perseverance they came together finally with the world's approval. Talking about the hero of my movie ....have you seen in real life a groom performing on an item number in the 'Mehendi ceremony' of the bride??? I bet nobody would have witnessed that...this is the level of satisfaction, feeling of completeness the hero of my flick had..he performed for his bride....& wow what a memorable performance it was!!! Now the heroine is the strongest point of the story...she was the one who never had the attitude "Let it be"..ever if there was a problem which made the relationship a little weak ...she would work on it till the time everything was perfect & she again gained the confidence that YES I will marry him!!! I never heard a bride screaming loud in her wedding "I AM VERY HAPPY I AM GETTING MARRIED"
The day was perfect with sun over the head...a perfect sunshine...it was the day when they walked the aisle to be together forever & after.We could hear the wedding chime....It was like the best piece of music...the purest one. Now they are together for "ALWAYS"...
The series of ceremonies ended with the reception which ended with most beautiful performance I have ever seen in real life .....my movie has a very happy ending as I said a perfect Yashraj film " the couple dance crazily with all there heart & soul dancing all around to glory "
I feel genuinely clear in head about relationships which off lately was all messed up. Now its a sunny & merry sight for me all over again. I know fairy tales are real at times ..you just need to put your heart & soul into it & the almighty would shower His blessings.
All my heartiest Congratulations, goodluck to the newly, happily wed couple. Cheers to there togetherness everafter!!!
Sunday, May 9, 2010
nothing
This is the time when I dont feel like putting my mind into anything..I know I need to..but I fail to make people around me understand that I do not feel like using my mind...
I do things which my peers do not..weird things..developed weird liking for unusual things..& whatever I am writing right now all these words are my own..nobody made me feel this way...but when a person does things which are unlike his or her age group..might be after a while the person starts feeling this way...my friends at times laugh & admire me at the same time...so which one should I pick???? I choose to pick the one which makes me feel miserable...dont have an answer to why I do that...I cook, I clean, I do gardening, I read articles on face make up & all that makes me feel as if I am a house wife..
Well with no offence ...I never wanted to be that... then what has made me do all this???dont know just feeling that this should not have been the ideal situation & I cannot just blame any body for my liking towards these things which are not meant to be liked...
I am a lump...I am a spoilt brat...am I?? however thats what many around me feel...who made me that???
I know this is just a pathetic & stupid blog I have written...I doubt if I should publish it or not...but I want to as I want people to know how stupid & dumb I am I want them not to expect anything from me...
this is what I am!!!
I do things which my peers do not..weird things..developed weird liking for unusual things..& whatever I am writing right now all these words are my own..nobody made me feel this way...but when a person does things which are unlike his or her age group..might be after a while the person starts feeling this way...my friends at times laugh & admire me at the same time...so which one should I pick???? I choose to pick the one which makes me feel miserable...dont have an answer to why I do that...I cook, I clean, I do gardening, I read articles on face make up & all that makes me feel as if I am a house wife..
Well with no offence ...I never wanted to be that... then what has made me do all this???dont know just feeling that this should not have been the ideal situation & I cannot just blame any body for my liking towards these things which are not meant to be liked...
I am a lump...I am a spoilt brat...am I?? however thats what many around me feel...who made me that???
I know this is just a pathetic & stupid blog I have written...I doubt if I should publish it or not...but I want to as I want people to know how stupid & dumb I am I want them not to expect anything from me...
this is what I am!!!
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Smelly Cat!!!
The other day my boyfriend told me that winters as a season is the one he loves the most..& he was quiet shocked that my favorite season is summer..& also he was a little disappointed that we do not share similar favorites(I thought opposite poles attract each other). I have had this conversation with many people..which has made me establish a fact that I am a weirdo...mostly people love winters as they love to wear woolen clothes, jackets, muffler, scarves & all, the rest love winters as they love cuddling inside the blankets.
Why do I like summers? I have given this a lot of thought & now I have reached to the conclusion which is very special in a very special way to me & that is I love summers because it is the season when I used to play racetip( thats what we knew hide n seek as) with my friends, I love summers as I love the fragrance of summer flower mogra..my mom would make a little garland of those buds & put it on my hair with a hair clip every day before I left for my play time...I love summers because I loved the vacations, I love summers as my mom would be at home during the vacations through out the day with me...I love summers because my cousins & grandmother would come home for around ten long days...I also love summers because as a child I would always try & help my grandpa while he is gardening & then would intentionally get drenched with the water of the garden pipe. Do all these reasons not suffice???
Sometimes a simple thing is very special to you but nobody would understand the reasons.But we do not need explainatory reasons for everything under the sun, you can just love something..a piece of paper, smell of old books, smell of petrol , a particular t-shirt which might not even fit you now, a towel or anything for that matter.Also there should not be any gender bias to all these things like only a girl can love a stuffed toy..a boy can also have some childhood memories attached with a stuffed bunny rabbit..does that sound gay to you? A guy does not need to have interest in sports as a must.
well I have this strange feeling that with development in technologies we ourselves have started being very mechanical.We have a lot of exposure to knowledge which I do not deny is important but I feel the way the new concepts have made our brains there home...its eating us from within like those termites...we no more beleive in the simple things like watching an unrealistic flick like "Dil to Pagal hai" ...I myself would make fun of it now...but one thing which strikes me is that dont we watch movies to get entertained? then why do we look for realistic stories to be screened?
All of us have now gone through a lot of drastic & dramatic changes...we are not the person now who would not mind spending some tears on the death of a TV show character..we are adults now & adults do not cry...& come on you have to practical in life..it is not a joke eh !!At times I struggle to act practical...at heart I still want be that kid who would run around crying as my cousin sisters are leaving for there home after those ten days..
Now I live in a city where I do not smell those mogra buds in my grand pa's graden any more, I do get the fragrance at the traffic signals during summers when those little homeless boys are selling those 'gajras'..I was with my boyfriend returning from a movie, at the signal the boys came with that fragrance & as there routine asked my friend "Sir Madam ke liye le lo" he smiled & replied "madam nahi lagati gajra"..I wish I could tell him that yes I put those little gajras during summers..but somehow "being practical" stopped me to share my feelings for the same & thought I will get those 'gajras' when I am alone & enjoy my summer. Now during summers there is no mom at home making rasna for me...now there is no more assisting my grandpa during gardening...but still I love summers because I have some wonderful, cherished memories of the season.To keep the feelings alive I have few plants in my terrace & I water them with a garden pipe everyday..to keep the feeling alive that its time when mom is at home through the day I call her anytime & everytime to find that she is not preoccupied.
Now I understand that if you like something simple in a very special way...it has to do something with your childhood. All these thoughts came in my mind while watching an episode of F.R.I.E.N.D.S where a character Phoebe- a singer by profession discovers that her dad used to sing her a lullaby in the tune on which she has composed her favorite song ....
"Smelly Cat..smellly cat..what are they feeding you,
Smelly cat, smelly cat its not your fault..
The lyrics here do not make any sense & till the time I did not know the significance it has ..it made me laugh but now I wish I could meet Phoebe & thank her for making me realise that I do not need to have reasons for liking everything..& need not explain anybody these special feelings.Sometimes being an emotional fool is absolutely fine for me.
Why do I like summers? I have given this a lot of thought & now I have reached to the conclusion which is very special in a very special way to me & that is I love summers because it is the season when I used to play racetip( thats what we knew hide n seek as) with my friends, I love summers as I love the fragrance of summer flower mogra..my mom would make a little garland of those buds & put it on my hair with a hair clip every day before I left for my play time...I love summers because I loved the vacations, I love summers as my mom would be at home during the vacations through out the day with me...I love summers because my cousins & grandmother would come home for around ten long days...I also love summers because as a child I would always try & help my grandpa while he is gardening & then would intentionally get drenched with the water of the garden pipe. Do all these reasons not suffice???
Sometimes a simple thing is very special to you but nobody would understand the reasons.But we do not need explainatory reasons for everything under the sun, you can just love something..a piece of paper, smell of old books, smell of petrol , a particular t-shirt which might not even fit you now, a towel or anything for that matter.Also there should not be any gender bias to all these things like only a girl can love a stuffed toy..a boy can also have some childhood memories attached with a stuffed bunny rabbit..does that sound gay to you? A guy does not need to have interest in sports as a must.
well I have this strange feeling that with development in technologies we ourselves have started being very mechanical.We have a lot of exposure to knowledge which I do not deny is important but I feel the way the new concepts have made our brains there home...its eating us from within like those termites...we no more beleive in the simple things like watching an unrealistic flick like "Dil to Pagal hai" ...I myself would make fun of it now...but one thing which strikes me is that dont we watch movies to get entertained? then why do we look for realistic stories to be screened?
All of us have now gone through a lot of drastic & dramatic changes...we are not the person now who would not mind spending some tears on the death of a TV show character..we are adults now & adults do not cry...& come on you have to practical in life..it is not a joke eh !!At times I struggle to act practical...at heart I still want be that kid who would run around crying as my cousin sisters are leaving for there home after those ten days..
Now I live in a city where I do not smell those mogra buds in my grand pa's graden any more, I do get the fragrance at the traffic signals during summers when those little homeless boys are selling those 'gajras'..I was with my boyfriend returning from a movie, at the signal the boys came with that fragrance & as there routine asked my friend "Sir Madam ke liye le lo" he smiled & replied "madam nahi lagati gajra"..I wish I could tell him that yes I put those little gajras during summers..but somehow "being practical" stopped me to share my feelings for the same & thought I will get those 'gajras' when I am alone & enjoy my summer. Now during summers there is no mom at home making rasna for me...now there is no more assisting my grandpa during gardening...but still I love summers because I have some wonderful, cherished memories of the season.To keep the feelings alive I have few plants in my terrace & I water them with a garden pipe everyday..to keep the feeling alive that its time when mom is at home through the day I call her anytime & everytime to find that she is not preoccupied.
Now I understand that if you like something simple in a very special way...it has to do something with your childhood. All these thoughts came in my mind while watching an episode of F.R.I.E.N.D.S where a character Phoebe- a singer by profession discovers that her dad used to sing her a lullaby in the tune on which she has composed her favorite song ....
"Smelly Cat..smellly cat..what are they feeding you,
Smelly cat, smelly cat its not your fault..
The lyrics here do not make any sense & till the time I did not know the significance it has ..it made me laugh but now I wish I could meet Phoebe & thank her for making me realise that I do not need to have reasons for liking everything..& need not explain anybody these special feelings.Sometimes being an emotional fool is absolutely fine for me.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
End of the tunnel
I beleive in finding every possible oppurtunity and grabbing it.
I beleive that nobody is going to come to me & handover my share of happiness, success , fame to me.
I beleive there is just nothing that I cannot do & I beleive that hard work pays.
After having said all that I suddenly realise all these beliefs are gone by for me now, gone are the days when my eyes spoke confidence. I can feel the non existent pressure to perform, to perform what I dont know. Whom do I have to show my capabilities. I doubt anybody has any expectations from me......I am baffled & still wondering what went wrong, when did I take that one big wrong step?
I know that if I stop fighting with the surroundings then the surroundings are gong to get over me & I out-proving myself, success would be lost on its way to me. I have been fighting this for a long time now that I have worked, & now suddenly I feel what a heavy burden it is do continue to do so on an everyday basis.
When I look around me ...I see those eyes which once looked at me with confidence, hope, expectations...now somehow they seem to be very hazy to me...or is it I do not want to see the hopelessness in them...once they smiled on my achievements. Now I just want to close my eyes & plead my mind to stop thinking & lay down peacefully...
I wish I could be one of the characters of F.R.I.E.N.D.S...but how is even that possible...finally they all did good...so might be there is this hidden ray of hope....eh!! I wish whatever I thought came true. So many changes taking place around me ...the only thing which is constant is me..just me...all my aspirations are like those bubbles which the kids blow with the mixture of soap which look really look beautiful in the beginning & suddenly without even letting you know it would burst without leaving any trace....once in while one or two bubbles do exist for a longer time & the kiddos think its a miracle...I can just look for my share of miracle.
The best thing which suddenly has given me a new high is that I realised just now while writing this blog is that my life is perfectly goes with the first few lines of title track of F.R.I.E.N.D.S...here it goes
So no one told me life was going to be this way.
I have no job, I am broke, My love life's DOA.
It's like I am always stuck in second gear,
Well, it hasn't been my day, my week,my month, or even my year.
My mother warned me there'd be days like these,
But she didn't tell me when the world will bring me down to my knees!!!
I beleive that nobody is going to come to me & handover my share of happiness, success , fame to me.
I beleive there is just nothing that I cannot do & I beleive that hard work pays.
After having said all that I suddenly realise all these beliefs are gone by for me now, gone are the days when my eyes spoke confidence. I can feel the non existent pressure to perform, to perform what I dont know. Whom do I have to show my capabilities. I doubt anybody has any expectations from me......I am baffled & still wondering what went wrong, when did I take that one big wrong step?
I know that if I stop fighting with the surroundings then the surroundings are gong to get over me & I out-proving myself, success would be lost on its way to me. I have been fighting this for a long time now that I have worked, & now suddenly I feel what a heavy burden it is do continue to do so on an everyday basis.
When I look around me ...I see those eyes which once looked at me with confidence, hope, expectations...now somehow they seem to be very hazy to me...or is it I do not want to see the hopelessness in them...once they smiled on my achievements. Now I just want to close my eyes & plead my mind to stop thinking & lay down peacefully...
I wish I could be one of the characters of F.R.I.E.N.D.S...but how is even that possible...finally they all did good...so might be there is this hidden ray of hope....eh!! I wish whatever I thought came true. So many changes taking place around me ...the only thing which is constant is me..just me...all my aspirations are like those bubbles which the kids blow with the mixture of soap which look really look beautiful in the beginning & suddenly without even letting you know it would burst without leaving any trace....once in while one or two bubbles do exist for a longer time & the kiddos think its a miracle...I can just look for my share of miracle.
The best thing which suddenly has given me a new high is that I realised just now while writing this blog is that my life is perfectly goes with the first few lines of title track of F.R.I.E.N.D.S...here it goes
So no one told me life was going to be this way.
I have no job, I am broke, My love life's DOA.
It's like I am always stuck in second gear,
Well, it hasn't been my day, my week,my month, or even my year.
My mother warned me there'd be days like these,
But she didn't tell me when the world will bring me down to my knees!!!
Monday, April 26, 2010
Justifications!!
I went window shopping(the most painful act a woman can be asked to do) today. It was such a painful journey for me, every footstep made me feel I want to spend all the money I have for the month. Kept justifying myself that I would not fit into that dress which I am not even trying by the way...that hand bag is not my style eh!!!(I doubt if I have one...my friends : do I have one?)...oooopss that sun glasses would make my face look like a pumpkin...thankfully all the shops were not open by the time I landed there..still I could spend around an hour & half in that one shop. I came home empty handed with a heavy heart(I probably controlled my tears rolling down deep within).
Probably these are the kind of emotions which are exclusive to women & thats absolutely my judgement(heard about male chauvinism, here's female chauvinism). Another judgement which I would want to make is that if I get to hear this kind of story from a guy..I surely am allowed to write off the 'man' as a 'man'(I am sorry here for the gender bias).However there are certain things which only a woman can & should enjoy. Like in our society working late hours, & after being through the whole lot of professional pressures through the day, making dinner for the family is something which only a woman can enjoy(not to forget satisfying male ego), in the same way shopping, window shopping, being a shopaholic are few things which are for woman.
For any & every woman shopping till they are drop dead works as an anti depressant.It gives a peculiar kind of high to every women.It can be compared with the pleasure of reaching the climax for any woman (for all curious minds keep the spirit & read the article). I am pretty sure on the fact that any woman can shop from a meena bazaar to a flee market to a designer showroom, whatever they shop, whenever they shop & whatever amount they spend, they have enough reasons for that(may be the neighbour's dog died & you needed a dress for the funeral).
The timing was perfect when I started penning down all these thought, my best friend from UK called up, there was this distinct thrill in her voice which probably I can understand as I am also this much thrilled when its a good & lucky day for me. Well I feel the urge in her voice to tell me whats going on..& probably she wants me to ask her...but I tell myself I wont as it was not a good day for me....not at all, I did not lighten even a little bit of the heaviness of my wallet..what a waste..unlucky day!I curse myself & then I tell myself that nope I needed to save it for the month & there was nothing which I could get today(I am lying to myself & I know it)..between all these thought she tells me that in London(to be noted)..she saw a sale at a cosmetic shop & she started drooling over & got body butter & body scrub( which I again consoled myself " they are of no use"). Then with no reasons she justifies immediately(as if I paid for the products), "I never spend on myself here, it is very rare". I made myself understand that these are useless things which would not make any difference & then I decide finally on a very strong & serious note " to hell with everything I am going to shop like a crazy woman tomorrow...& forth mostly I would get the scrub & body butter"
P.S. : "I am crazy shopaholic like 'any other' woman ('justification' comes along)"
Probably these are the kind of emotions which are exclusive to women & thats absolutely my judgement(heard about male chauvinism, here's female chauvinism). Another judgement which I would want to make is that if I get to hear this kind of story from a guy..I surely am allowed to write off the 'man' as a 'man'(I am sorry here for the gender bias).However there are certain things which only a woman can & should enjoy. Like in our society working late hours, & after being through the whole lot of professional pressures through the day, making dinner for the family is something which only a woman can enjoy(not to forget satisfying male ego), in the same way shopping, window shopping, being a shopaholic are few things which are for woman.
For any & every woman shopping till they are drop dead works as an anti depressant.It gives a peculiar kind of high to every women.It can be compared with the pleasure of reaching the climax for any woman (for all curious minds keep the spirit & read the article). I am pretty sure on the fact that any woman can shop from a meena bazaar to a flee market to a designer showroom, whatever they shop, whenever they shop & whatever amount they spend, they have enough reasons for that(may be the neighbour's dog died & you needed a dress for the funeral).
The timing was perfect when I started penning down all these thought, my best friend from UK called up, there was this distinct thrill in her voice which probably I can understand as I am also this much thrilled when its a good & lucky day for me. Well I feel the urge in her voice to tell me whats going on..& probably she wants me to ask her...but I tell myself I wont as it was not a good day for me....not at all, I did not lighten even a little bit of the heaviness of my wallet..what a waste..unlucky day!I curse myself & then I tell myself that nope I needed to save it for the month & there was nothing which I could get today(I am lying to myself & I know it)..between all these thought she tells me that in London(to be noted)..she saw a sale at a cosmetic shop & she started drooling over & got body butter & body scrub( which I again consoled myself " they are of no use"). Then with no reasons she justifies immediately(as if I paid for the products), "I never spend on myself here, it is very rare". I made myself understand that these are useless things which would not make any difference & then I decide finally on a very strong & serious note " to hell with everything I am going to shop like a crazy woman tomorrow...& forth mostly I would get the scrub & body butter"
P.S. : "I am crazy shopaholic like 'any other' woman ('justification' comes along)"
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